


When You're Smiling and Astride Me

by Maedelmae



Category: Virgin River (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Falling In Love, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Minor Character Death, Suicidal Ideation, canon-typical sadness, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27694457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maedelmae/pseuds/Maedelmae
Summary: Melinda Monroe was complicated. Her thoughts were all over the place all the time. Arriving in Virgin River, she finds herself falling for Jack Sheridan despite her trauma.This is an introspective fic that follows Mel throughout canon until season 1 episode 10: Unexpected Endings.Spoilers included.
Relationships: Jack Sheridan/Charmaine (Virgin River), Melinda Monroe & Jack Sheridan, Melinda Monroe/Jack Sheridan
Kudos: 19





	When You're Smiling and Astride Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Y'all, how are you?
> 
> There are only three pics under the Virgin River tag and I want to change that, even if its just with one fic. I love this show so much, I've probably watched it eighty times since it came out last year. 
> 
> I recently rewatched it because season 2 is coming out on Friday and I needed a refresher, as well as an introspective fic that follows Mel's thoughts during the last few episodes. Also I will tolerate no Charmaine bashing, she is only human and Jack broke her heart even if he hadn't intended to :8(
> 
> Also I have a head canon that Mel is bisexual, so yeah there's that. 
> 
> I hope if you're reading this, you enjoy it. I enjoyed writing it.

Mel Monroe came from a place of privilege. Her skin was white, and though she had lost both parents, they had had money. She was a nurse and her husband had been a doctor. She had had a good life that was unmarked by the struggles of many. 

Everything had been perfect, even if just for a little bit. 

When her perfect life came crashing down around her, she was left to pick up the pieces. And even though she had Joey, even though she wasn’t alone, she still felt as though there was a void in her—sucking up all the good and leaving her feeling empty. Her favorite lattes didn’t taste the same, running left her feeling anxious rather than free, and most importantly, being at home alone in that big house made her want to curl up and die. 

The period of time between Mark’s… death, and her move to Virgin River was a time marked with fights, and heavy, chest-wrenching sobs that left her breathless. Joey kept telling her that she should move in with her, Bill, and the kids—but Mel couldn’t do that. 

She was lashing out at everyone around her. Yelling at Joey, not sleeping at night and coming in to work despite her bosses many warnings to stay at home. 

So she took the job up north, packed up, and left. 

.oOo.

Virgin River was… different. Nothing was how it was supposed to be and it simultaneously drove Mel crazy and gave her a breath of fresh air. She had no expectations here. Nobody knew who she had been before the accident. Hell, they didn’t even know about the accident and what she had done and it was relieving. 

Jack was… almost perfect. He was funny, handsome, and he had been through hardships. His scars and the vacant look in his eyes told more of his story than she would have gotten any other way. Most importantly, Jack was  _ kind _ . If she said no to something, he didn’t push. He didn’t pry. He understood the unspoken boundary she had set. She understood his as well. 

The only problems she had in Virgin River were her boss, and her lack of a home. One was taken care of, the other took a little longer. She had thrown herself into convincing Doc that she should stay—that they needed her there just as much as she needed to stay (though that last part went unspoken). 

.oOo.

The appearance of a baby on the front porch stirred up many things. Mel was devastated. More and more memories of her perfect life flashed before her eyes. Getting married, trying for a baby, her wonderful pregnancy—the one thing she clung onto. Then at night, she sobbed because of the other memories: arguing with Mark over trying for another baby, feeling ashamed that the one thing she had been guaranteed as a woman was ripped away from her along with her perfect daughter. 

She had been chosen to look after the baby after a brief verbal argument between Doc, Hope, Jack and her. 

Virgin River may not have held any memories for her, but it also didn’t repress any of her already formed memories. 

Chloe. The name of her deceased big sister. She had only spoken of her once with Joey when they had been tiny, before their mother got sick and died. She could have named the baby after her mother, Violet, but it didn’t feel right. Violet had lived a full life, even if she had died when Mel was eleven, she had died at the ripe age of fifty three. 

Chloe had had nobody to fully remember her. Their mother and father were both gone and Joey hadn’t been old enough to understand what was happening at the time. It only felt right to name the mystery baby Chloe. 

Days were spent trying to get the baby to feed to no avail as the wee thing wailed and hiccuped in hunger. Stressed out of her mind and lost and confused, Mel did her best to appear normal to the other residents of the town who somewhat knew her. She joked with Jack, she talked with Hope, she argued with Doc. And if she cried at night because thinking too much had stolen away her breath, that was her business and her business alone. 

Joey had admonished her heavily over the phone. 

“I think it would be better in the long run if you came back home. You could even live with us!”

This argument grew very old very fast. 

“You’re being ridiculous. I’m a grown woman and I have responsibilities here now—I can’t just leave the town.”

“I just feel like you’re running away.”

If the stress of taking care of a newborn wasn’t enough, she was then scolded and ridiculed by many of the townspeople for wanting to call social services. They didn’t seem to understand that social services didn’t  _ want _ Chloe to be put in foster care—they wanted her with her family. Still, people gossiped and talked about her bad judgement behind her back. 

It took almost all of her willpower to not burst into tears after walking into Jack’s bar with all of the disapproving eyes on her. She squared her shoulders, thinned her lips, and wheeled the stroller to a table where she could eat her first meal of the day—Chloe wasn’t the only one not eating. 

Talking that night with Jack had allowed her the first deep breath in four days. She felt comfortable with him. She didn’t know if she was able to move on just yet—but Jack never seemed to press or take things anywhere Mel was uncomfortable. He was a perfect gentleman. 

.oOo.

Mark and Jack were very different people. 

Mark had been a single child in a stable family. He was always sure of everything he did, nobody had ever prevented his interests. He made awful jokes and knew how to make perfect lattes in the light of the morning sun. He had been handsome and confident and supportive. 

After the accident with the baby, Mark had been knocked down. He had lost his confidence and for the first time in his life, he seemed unsure of things. He would gently nudge Mel into getting a therapist and when that didn’t work, he would go and drink until he was numb. The situation had hurt him and Mel equally, just for different reasons. The several failed rounds of IVF they went to made him question his manhood and that night—the night of the final accident—he had given up. She had asked for a break and despite his asking for a break just days before, he argued that they should stay together. Echoes of his proposal ran through her mind that night at the hospital after taking Maxine there. 

Jack, he was different. He had come from a family with many members and his father didn’t sound like the nicest man. Mel knew how it felt to have an absent father. He had joined the military right out of high school because he couldn’t afford to go to college without it. He rose up in ranks and then became the leader of a unit. He had gone through many hardships in the marines, but the worst of them all was losing one of his teammates. It had haunted him and Mel only knew because of his night terror after the Weed Camp fiasco. 

It had shaken her, seeing such a strong unwavering man quivering in the armchair in her room because of bad memories. 

She didn’t know what to do other than cover him back up and search up therapists online before going back to sleep. 

The next morning when she had woken up, she was alone and the blanket she had put on Jack was now covering her. 

.oOo.

Charmaine was… a nice girl. She was very pretty, and Mel felt surface level attraction to the woman. If Charmaine wasn’t dating Jack and Mel wasn’t secretly recovering from the death of her husband, she might have pursued her. 

There was history between her, Doc, and Hope. Mel stayed out of that and kept to herself around the other woman—uncomfortable because she knew Jack had been flirting with her while he was with Charmaine. It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to the other woman. 

She had tried to explain to Jack why the situation was so difficult, but it seemed that he and Mark differed there too as Jack just  _ was not getting it _ . 

.oOo.

Joey coming up to Virgin River had been both a blessing and a curse. 

Joey now knew that Mel wasn’t leaving the quaint little mountain town, and Mel knew that Joey was dealing with her own problems. 

The problem was her older sister's actions the night before. Just because she was fighting with Bill didn’t mean it was okay to get wasted and drape herself over the first good-looking guy she saw. 

Then the confrontation between the four of them happened and Mel got the chance to talk with Joey. 

Joey offered once more to take her home, but Mel rejected the offer once more and Joey seemed to finally get it. 

.oOo.

Things between her and Jack were… weird to say the least. 

Mel could feel affection for the man growing inside of her, and she felt powerless to stop it. She knew it was wrong. Jack was involved with Charmaine, she was still hung up on her husband. Fate did not want her and Jack together, but _she_ _did_. She didn’t know how Jack felt, probably embarrassed, ashamed that he was flirting with her and Charmaine at the same time. But she didn’t know that for sure and it scared her. 

She had to take moments to center herself, to take a deep breath before panic welled in her stomach and she found she couldn’t breathe anymore. It had happened before, and she wouldn’t be shocked if it happened again. 

In the car, together, the day after the mingle while driving to Ricky’s grandmother’s house, Jack had confirmed that Charmaine wanted commitment to their previously undefined relationship. She was polite and upfront with him, feeling something in her chest tighten as she spoke. 

She wondered just when things had taken a turn in her life. What events led her to sitting in a car with the man she was falling in love with as he told her about his relationship problems to a gorgeous woman. The ring on her finger burned and she felt as though she were betraying Mark’s memory just for  _ thinking _ about what a relationship with Jack would look like. 

“She won’t return my calls.”

“You know… at some point you’re going to have to tell her how you feel.” It was difficult for Mel to say that, she didn’t know how the man felt, and a selfish part of her wanted nothing more than for him to break up with Charmaine and profess his undying love for her. 

“I just don’t want to hurt her.”

“Did you ever think that you’re the one that doesn’t want to get hurt?”

“We’re here…” His voice was gruff and denying. 

“Well timed, Mr. Sheridan. Well timed.” Humor always worked to deflect things, which is why all of her friends back in LA had called her the clown of the group. She had a lot of things to deflect. 

Nothing more was said on that matter. 

.oOo.

Being at the hospital was hard. 

She didn’t think she would have had this big of a problem. She had been just weeks prior with Maxine and her baby and hadn’t had a problem. No, she was the problem. The two medical personnel had kissed and that was apparently enough to set her off. 

Her chest grew tight and it was getting hard to breathe and hold back tears at the same time. Jack seemed to understand and she was grateful that he did not begrudge her for not telling him why she had suddenly started panicking. Which was good, because it was hard to focus on reality when all she could think about was her last moments with Mark and then the entirety of that hospital trip. 

She couldn’t help the tears that fell when they were back in the car and away from the bustle of the hospital waiting room. She could see Jack in the corner of her eye, turning to say something. He paused and turned back to the road. 

“Are you feeling any better?” He asked softly, concern lacing his voice. She hated how much he cared for her while he was still with Charmaine—even if he had indicated he didn’t want to be with her anymore. 

She didn’t answer him. Her breaths were shaky and she was trying to get a handle on her emotions, but they poured out of her like water out of a jug. 

“You wanna talk about it?” He asked, probably trying to comfort her, but she didn’t know if she could be brought back from this precipice she was standing on. 

She shook her head and could feel her face tense as she tried holding back tears that were going to slip out no matter what she did. 

“I can’t,” she gasped. It had been her fault that Mark was dead. She had distracted him and now she had no one to blame but herself. She was the one who couldn’t carry to term, she was the one that kept pushing for IVF, she was the one that demanded that they needed to break up that night. Mark had been trying his best, and yet he was the one who died, not Mel. Fate was cruel. 

“It’s okay…” Jack whispered, his voice deep and comforting, but she yearned for the familiar scent that permeated their little home back in LA. She sobbed and he reached over to her. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She didn’t know who she was apologizing to: Jack or Mark. He reached over and ran one of his big hands on her shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” It was not, but she appreciated the sentiment. 

.oOo.

He took her to play pinball. 

It was perfect and it was devastating. 

She could see herself falling for Jack and she hated that part of herself that told her to give in. But she was tired, she was so tired. Things never seemed to work out for her. 

But right now she wasn’t thinking about that. She was thinking about what it would be like to run her hands through the gentle waves of Jack's thick hair, the smoky scent of  _ him _ in the morning. His brilliant blue eyes, hit by a beam of sunlight coming through the curtains. 

He looked over and smiled and she could feel her stomach doing front flips—not in a bad way, but an exciting way. Like jumping off of a swing at the apex of the arch and then free falling through the air before the ground rushed up to meet you. 

“Uh, Okay, What?”

“What?” She smiled. 

“You distracted me. You happy now?”

“I didn’t distract nothing. I—what?... I’m hungry. We should get some food.” She was crossing into dangerous territory. 

“What, are you buying?” He teased. 

“Well, I mean, you drove… so, yeah.” Laughter bubbled up from somewhere in her chest and it felt so much better than the sobs from earlier. 

Later, he walked her to her door, the perfect gentleman. 

“You know, I don’t think I’d still be here if it wasn’t for you.” The confession rose up and left her lips before she had a moment’s thought to stop it. 

“Well, I don’t think that’s true.” Mel could feel a sad smile on her face at this man who had done everything for her to feel comfortable in this new town and her new home. He comforted her and stuck with her so many times and supported her decision to call social services when others derided her. 

“I do…” she said quietly. “Goodnight…”

.oOo.

That night, in the quiet stillness of her temporary room, she took off her wedding ring and remembered the moment she learned of her husband’s death. 

The ring did not go back on her finger. It went on the nightstand instead. Still in view, but no longer burning her. 

A knock sounded from the door and there was Jack. 

He seemed to always be around, and part of her appreciated it. Another part of her wanted to curl up in her guilt and settle there until she died. He eyed the ring on the table and Mel contemplated telling him of her sins. 

“I, um… I thought it was time…” She answered in regard to the unspoken question. 

“Look, it’s none of my business, but whatever it is, you know, I’m sure you guys can work that out.” Mel wished that were the reality. In another dimension, an alternate universe, that was how that night played out—with an agreed separation rather than tragedy. 

“We can’t” 

She could feel Jack’s confusion, it was so thick. She didn’t want to say it though. Saying it would make it real. In Virgin River, he was still dead, but she could pretend sometimes that he wasn’t. That this was just a vacation she was taking for work and that when she returned to LA Mark would be waiting with a latte and a kiss. 

“I’m sorry…” Jack whispered, and Mel didn’t know if he understood the reality or not. She didn’t want to leave it up for guessing. She would have to face the reality sooner or later. 

“My husband is dead.” She paused. “It was my fault.”

There. It was out now. Jack would leave and whatever was growing between them would wither and die just like everything else. She hated herself so much she wished she could die sometimes. But now, she just felt numb. 

.oOo.

The next night, she woke up from a nightmare to a storm.

Storms were bad, they reminded her of that night. Which was terrible considering how much she had liked them in her youth. Now she was just cold, and it was dark, and she was scared and confused and the situation was creating a confusing cocktail of chemicals in her mind. 

Jo Ellen’s invitation to go to Jack’s bar with them was met with resistance. She would much rather curl up in the cold and dark than face the mistake she had created. Jo Ellen left and that left Mel completely alone. 

In the dark, it was hard to catch her breath. And it was hard to stop the tears. And the wind was whistling harshly at the rain rattled windows. And she wanted Mark. And she wanted her bed. And she wanted the humid rainfall of LA. 

But she didn’t have that anymore and she was just going to have to deal with it. 

.oOo.

When she finally made herself trek to the bar, her umbrella broke. 

Once more, all eyes were on her as she entered the bar. ‘Great,’ she thought, ‘I’m at my lowest point and they’re all staring at me’.

Jack came over to inquire about her sodden state and she couldn’t help but feel relief spread behind her sternum. The knot in her throat loosened marginally, but still made itself known. 

Jack invited her upstairs to change clothes and her heart skipped a beat. She laughed at his jokes and followed him like a lost dog. 

Upstairs his room seemed… fitting. The dark blue walls were calming and the baseball memorabilia reminded her of their night together at the homemade batting cage. A stack of thick books littered his night stand. Huh, she never knew he liked to read. 

He sweetly handed her a change of his clothes and scratched at his neck while explaining where everything was—not making eye contact with her the entire time. 

However, despite his bashful demeanor, a weight was on her chest. 

“I feel like I need to explain.”

“Do you want to?”

“No”

“Then don’t.”

And with that short sentence, the weight lifted. She didn’t know why she thought Jack would demand answers, some sort of explanation, but he didn’t. 

.oOo.

Mel found out through Connie that Jack was no longer involved with Charmaine. 

“You know, I always thought she was a little too big for her britches.” Connie said condescendingly—not pausing at the alarmed look Jack was giving her. 

Mel didn’t think that was fair. Charmaine was a lovely woman who cared deeply about Jack, it wasn’t her fault that Jack didn’t feel the same, or that Mel had come into town and disrupted things. In fact, people should assume that  _ she _ was the “other woman” rather than Charmaine. But they were grown adults who had their own thoughts and opinions and if they couldn’t handle the situation like adults then there was no point even being in a relationship. 

It wasn’t Charmaine’s fault, it wasn’t Jack’s fault, and it wasn’t Mel’s fault. Things just happened like that. 

Later after taking care of the very emotional tow-truck driver, Jack drove her to the mystery spot he had promised. Mel couldn’t help but remember the fight that she had had with Mark in the car. She had been so  _ frustrated  _ and  _ hurt _ and she had lashed out and hadn’t listened to what Mark had been telling her. It was a regret she would carry with her the rest of her life. 

“I thought that moving here, away from everything that made me sad, would somehow be freeing…” She confessed. “But, I just… brought all my sadness with me.”

“Mel, I’m so sorry.” His voice was quiet, and he sounded like he didn’t know what else to say. “Look, I wish there was… something I could say to make you feel better.” He looked so  _ lost _ , so…  _ helpless _ in the wake of her pain and sorrow. Something about it made her heart beat faster. 

He offered to take her back to the bar… she was too selfish to cut their time together short. She had confessed to Joey that she had  _ feelings _ for him, and now that he was free from involvement, she felt as though it wasn’t wrong to take advantage of the situation. 

.oOo.

As it turned out, the surprise was a home.  _ Her  _ home. 

Jack, Ricky, and Brady all pitched in and fixed that stupid disappointment of a cabin that she had met her first horrible night in Virgin River. 

The warmth in the pit of her stomach combined with the glow of the lanterns on the porch left her excited and, for once, hopeful of the future. 

The inside smelled of fresh pine and paint. 

It was… perfect. She hopped on the bed and looked over at Jack, who was eagerly awaiting a response beyond her flustered “Oh My God”s. 

“I… can’t believe this… You did this for  _ me _ .”

“Well, I uh…” His voice was quite—it rumbled in his chest and Mel had to focus in order to make out the words. “I know how hard it can be to make a fresh start. I really do. I also know that sometimes you need help. I don’t know… a whole lot about your story, but from what I can tell, you’ve… you’ve been through a lot. Maybe this place can offer you some comfort? A place to call home…” He paused. “Well, I hope you’ll stick around.”

Her heart melted and she could no longer discern where one thought began and another started because they all revolved around the beautiful, selfless man in front of her. 

She stepped forward, and then kissed him and it was the most wonderful thing she had done since her life fell apart. She kissed him like he was the first breath of fresh air she had ever gotten. A thought, very brief, very small, located in the back of her mind whispered of Love, of her Love for Jack. 

.oOo.

The next morning he invited her to dinner. No pressure, no expectations. 

Jack made a joke and the panic that had started to well up inside of her receded and set her at ease. Maybe dinner would be fun. 

.oOo.

The panic that had temporarily left her came back with a vengeance as she sat in the chair on the other side of Doc’s desk. 

The curmudgeon had been treating her like an assistant and was always second guessing her diagnosis. It was making her more anxious than usual and left her feeling frustrated before going home. She was coming up on the end of her trial run and if Doc kept treating her like this, or fired her again, then there would be no point in staying and the wonderful new home she had would lie vacant and empty. 

He ended the conversation swiftly, not commenting on her remark that respect was to run both ways. 

.oOo.

The case regarding the poisoning of Annabelle, Jeb and Pauline had ensured her attention was not on the date that would be taking place that evening. 

There was a rush that she got when she solved the mystery of the illness and started treatment—like finishing a puzzle. 

It certainly didn’t hurt that later in the waiting room Doc had complimented her work. 

“That LA hospital must have hated to lose you.” He said, leaning in a conspiratorial manner. She laughed. 

“Yeah, well, I needed a change of scenery.”

“So does that mean you’re staying?”

“Um, are you asking?”

“Well, I would be open to… extending your trial period.”

“No. There’s no more trial period.”

“Aah… I’m not changing the stationery.”

“I can live with that.”

They shook on it and now one less problem plagued her tumultuous mind. 

.oOo.

Dinner was… nice. 

They talked about philosophy and Kierkegaard and battled over free will vs fate. 

He took her hand in his over their glasses of wine. 

“Okay…. We’re here right now, experiencing this moment, and that wasn’t inevitable. I chose to be here.” 

“I like it when you put it like that.” She sighed. “Well I think I chose to move to Virgin River…”

“Right…”

“But I think it was fate that I saw Hope’s ad, and so it was both of those things that led me to be in this moment with you.” 

“But was it fate or coincidence that you saw that ad?”

“Maybe it was serendipity.” Jack’s smile grew wide. 

“I like that.” He took a deep breath. “Well, whatever it was, I’m...I’m grateful that you did, um… I’m glad that we’re here.”

It was times like these that made Mel want to forget all about her past, all about Mark and start over as a new person, with a new life, and a new husband. The little voice from earlier grew bigger whispering confessions of love for the man smiling at her, with deep ravenous eyes that met hers and focused on nothing else but  _ her _ . 

“I really like talking with you.” He grumbled, the smile seemed to be a permanent fixture on his rakishly handsome face. 

“I really like talking to you too.”

Jack suggested leaving and it was only then that Mel realized they were the only customers still there. Desperate to stay in this moment and focused only on Jack, she suggested a walk. 

.oOo.

The odd start of “taps” while they were walking brought up another thing about Jack that was different than Mark. 

He was broken. She didn’t need to be okay around him, because he didn’t have to be okay around her. They wouldn’t judge each other for their traumas and in this new life post-accident, it was something she desperately needed. 

.oOo.

Later that night she opened the little pouch that contained her engagement and wedding rings. 

Memories of the third worst news of her life ran through her head. The first being her husband's death and the second being her daughter’s. This time, the memories were of the obstetrician telling her that she wasn’t able to have children anymore. The placental abruption was more damaging than they had thought and now she was barren… infertile. Unable to create a life even though it was promised to her. 

She had felt numb then, unable to process the information properly. 

Mark had kissed her, held her tight, held her hand and sat there silently. He seemed to be in shock. 

“Do you wanna start looking for a surrogate?”

Then came the fourth worst news of her life. 

“I think we need a break, Mel.” Maybe she didn’t hear him right?

“What?”

“It’s all we do. It’s all we talk about. This thing, it’s consumed the entire marriage, and we—Now you wanna start the process of vetting a total stranger to carry our baby? It’s—”

“Wait, it doesn’t have to be a stranger.”

“Mel.”

“I could ask Joey.”

“You can’t ask her.”

“I could ask her.”

“No, I don’t want you to do that… Sweetheart, our lives are already hard enough as it is, and I can’t handle… worrying about someone who isn’t you.”

She couldn’t process this. Her mind had started to shut down and her limbs felt as though they were made from TV static. 

“I thought you wanted to have a family?”

“I did… I do…”

“Please, Mark. Please—I, please, honey.” 

The sound of the fire crackling from behind her brought her back to the present. 

She had felt so lost, for so long. She couldn’t do that again, she wouldn’t do that again. She had swung between all encompassing depression and all encompassing anxiety and it had torn her apart. 

She tucked the rings back in the bag, just as she tucked that memory away at the back of her mind. 

.oOo.

The next morning Jack was acting… weird. Like something was wrong. 

He made an excuse and left and Mel told herself that he wasn’t lying. Everything was going to be just fine. Nothing bad was going to happen. 

They were to meet later that night and she couldn’t help but feel anxious about the second date that they were going to have. 

.oOo.

Walking up the stairs in front of the office, she looked up and saw her name and position tacked on. 

Something inside her fluttered and warmed and she felt a spark of hope and possibility run through her like a lit fuse. 

Maybe things were going to be alright now. 

.oOo.

“The baby doesn’t have to change anything. You guys will figure it out.”

All the thoughts in her head screeched to a halt. 

“Baby?” Her breath left her. “Hope, what? I’m sorry, what baby are you talking about? What’s going on?” Her breath quickened and she could feel nothing but panic. Did she miss something? Did something happen? Was it something to do with Chloe? But she said ‘you guys’ so maybe it wasn’t? Hope didn’t look much better. 

“I thought you knew.” Was all she said and the static in her limbs returned. 

She felt like she was watching a horror movie. One where the main character was lulled into a false sense of security before a shadowy figure creeping up on them attacked. 

“Hope. What are you talking about?” She needed to know before she fell into a panic attack. After all, this could be inane and she was working herself up over nothing. 

“Charmaine’s… pregnant…” the older woman whispered. 

Oh. 

Okay. 

“What?” She couldn’t find enough coherent thought to say anything else. 

“Jack said he was going to tell you.”

“And… And who told you?”

“Chhharmaine?” She drug out the name as if she were ashamed of something. 

A sudden ringing in her ears made it hard to hear anything. 

“Hope!” Doc said sharply from somewhere behind her, and she jumped a little. 

“Actually, I… I read it… In a letter Charmaine asked me to give to Jack.”

She didn’t hear the patient coming in, but she could hear Doc greeting her. She took a deep breath and pushed aside the blinding panic and anxiety and went into ER nurse mode. 

.oOo.

She confronted Jack. 

Her blinding panic had shifted its way to anger and she pulled him into his office. 

She confessed that it had been stupid of her to expect any ounce of happiness, that trying to start over here was a mistake. Jack kept denying it, telling her that he still felt something for her. She denied him, saying that since they just started, they can still be friends. 

The spark of hope from earlier fizzled out and died.

Jack said no and she left. 

It must have been hard for him, but it was painful for her. Her heart ached with want. 

.oOo.

She ran away to visit Lilly and Chloe—just for something to do. She stopped on her way back in Clear River, and she didn’t know why. Charmaine lived in Clear River and maybe some part of her wanted to talk to Charmaine without any expectations. 

Running into her at the coffee shop was just chance. They exchanged pleasantries and the conversation was stilted. However, hearing Charmaine state how she was going to be a mom drove a pain right through her chest and for a second she forgot how to breathe. 

A part of her hated the other woman for accomplishing something she couldn’t ever have. She knew logistically, that these things just happened—and hearing about how she didn’t think she could get pregnant echoed around in Mel’s brain. She ached with envy and she hated herself for it. 

“I don’t want Jack to come back to me because of his damn sense of honor. It has to be his choice. And to be honest, that’s never going to happen as long as you’re here.”

Mel felt as though the lifeboat she had been on this entire year had suddenly sprung a leak, and then another, and then another. 

All of her insecurities were coming to light all at once and it was more than she could handle. 

She didn’t want to do anything, she was tired, she wanted to be worlds away, she wanted to be dead. 

.oOo.

That night, when she got home, Jack was waiting on her front porch. 

The twisting and turning in her gut from earlier hadn’t stopped and she needed him to understand why she was mad. She didn’t feel as though she could trust him. 

And she told him. She told him about her baby that died all those years ago. She told him of her infertility. She told him that she can’t amount to what Charmaine can, because she can’t have children, and Jack deserves to be with someone who does. Because she’s seen how he is with Ricky. He would be a great dad, and she couldn’t provide that for him. 

Then he confessed his love for her. How he had never felt this way about anybody before. How he had known since the moment he saw her that she was the one. 

“I’m falling in love with you,” he whispered, only a foot away. “I can’t change your past, but I wanna be a part of your future.”

“I just need some time to think about this, okay?”

“Take all the time you need. I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Then he was gone, and Mel felt the walls crumble inwards. 

.oOo.

When she finally felt as though she could breathe again, she packed up all her stuff. Everything she brought went back into her suitcase. 

She left the wilting tulips on the coffee table. She left the candles on the mantle. She left the bar of soap next to the sink. She left the hangers on the rack. 

She blew out the candles, turned the lamps off, and left the keys in the mailbox. 

She was going back home. 

  
  



End file.
